Bite Me: A Moonlight Parody
by Avenasoblivion
Summary: Bite Me: With A Vengeance!- Mick's hair, Crazy love quadrangles, and impromptu shower scenes-and that's just the first chapter! The full trilogy now uploaded!
1. Bite Me

Bite Me: A Moonlight Parody

Avenasoblivion

A/N- I'd just like to say that I love Moonlight, and I make fun of it only in good humor. Also, I do not own Moonlight, but if I did, I probably would write parodies of it for fun, anyways.

_Mick's Monologues_

VV

[A whole bunch of random skyline and helicopter-view images are shown as Mick's voice narrates.

_Being a Private Investigator, I often am faced with situations where I have to investigate things. Privately. For most people that means alone, discreet, but for me, I like to enlist the help of the media._

Beth: You wanted to see me, Mick?

Mick: Yes. I got a case-

Beth: Impossible!

Mick: Excuse me?

Beth: The only cases you ever do are the ones I ask for your help with.

Mick: Beth, I can get cases on my own. I'm a P.I.

Beth: I'll believe it when I see it.

Mick: (pouts)

Beth: Oh, fine. Who are we investigating?

[The door slams open, and Coraline enters.

Coraline: Actually, Mick and I are investigating this one. Right, Mick?

Mick: Sure!

Beth:...okay, and what are you investigating?

Mick: I believe that there is a cure for vampirism, and we're going to find out who has it!

Beth: I thought you believed Coraline had it.

Mick: Yeah.

Beth: Then why are you taking her with you to go investigate other people?

Mick: Because she's hot!

[The door slams open again, and Joseph stands there, gawking at Mick and Coraline.

Joseph: Hmm, you're not supposed to be here. (takes out a copy of the script) Oops, my bad. Wrong scene. (leaves again.)

Beth: (smacks her forehead) Oh, God!

[Scene change to Buzzwire, where Beth is sitting at her computer. The camera angle turns so we can see over her shoulder, and there is one picture of Josh and one of Mick on her computer screen.

Beth: (contemplating) Well, Josh has a career, plans for the future, and an amazingly patient and understanding personality. On the other hand, Mick has really great hair.

[The editor walks in

Editor: Hey, Beth. Workin' on a story?

Beth: (scrambles to exit the pictures) Yup!

Editor: Okay. Good job. (leaves)

Beth: Whew. (her computer goes to it's Moonlight screensaver)

[Scene change to Josef's house/office/whatever. Josef is staring intently at his fireplace. There is a knock at the door.

Josef: (jumps) Who is it?

Mick: It's me, Mick. Got a minute?

Josef: Nope.

Mick: What do you mean "no?" What's so important?

Josef: Um. The diamonds in my fireplace have caught on fire.

Mick: But they're always like that!

Josef: Oh, all right. (gets up and opens the door.)

Mick: I'm here to talk to you about Coraline.

Josef: No. You're here to ask my advice about this woman you think is Coraline, and then completely ignore it.

Mick: Well, yeah. That, too.

Josef: So let's just cut to the chase. Stop chasing Coraline. (points out the door) Now go chase Coraline.

Mick: Thanks for your help! (takes off running)

[Scene change to some random street. Mick is following Coraline like a puppy.

Mick: So, I've been wondering-

Coraline: No.

Mick: But-

Coraline: Whatever it is, no.

Mick: (pouts)

_Hot on Coraline's trail, with Coraline as my partner, there's no way we can fail to find the person with the cure for vampirism. Which may or may not be Coraline. Er._

[Scene change to Joseph's living room, he is seated on the couch, surrounded by beautiful young women. The camera turns and we see that they are watching Moonlight. Every single one of the girls is drooling over Mick. Joseph's phone rings.

Joseph: Hello?

Mick: It's me. (listens to the t.v. in the background) What are you doing?

Joseph: (sighs) Oh, the usual.

Mick: Sorry I'm hotter than you.

Joseph: Why you-I REMEMBER HOW YOUR HAIR WAS WHEN YOU MET CORALINE!

Mick: (winces) No fair! Do you have any idea the kind of maintenance this hair requires!

Joseph: What do you want?

Mick: Just calling so you could get a scene in.

Joseph: (hangs up.)

[Scene change to some random street. Possibly the same one as before.

Mick: Are you Coraline?

Coraline: No.

Mick: Are you Coraline?

Coraline: No.

[Scene change to Beth's apartment, where she is eating popcorn and watching daytime television. She flips through All My Children, The Bold And The Beautiful, and all the other ones. Suddenly she sits up, and touches her face in horror, apparently in reaction to something she just saw on daytime television.

Beth: Oh my God! So that's what they've been doing!

Scene change to...Mick's shower?

Mick: Why am I taking a shower at a time like this?

Producer: Sorry, the fans wanted another shower scene.

[Frustrated, Mick steps out of the shower, revealing the fact that he is still wearing his pants and shoes.

Mick: Ugh. (picks up the phone) Josef?

Josef: Yo.

Mick: I've hit another setback.

Josef: Setback?

Mick: Shower scene.

Josef: Ah.

_Even though that impromptu shower scene may have set me back, I'm sure I'll get the cure to vampirism. I called Josef to get some of his advice._

Josef: Why do you do that?

Mick: What?

Josef: Talk to yourself. It's weird.

Mick: I don't talk to myself.

Josef: Yes you do. I heard you. You do it all the time. And what's this about advice? Every time I give you good advice, you just throw it away. Especially when it's about girls! If you'd just listen to me, we wouldn't have that hyena stalking us.

Mick: Coraline's not a hyena.

Josef: I was talking about Beth.

Mick: You're still afraid of her?

Josef: (spluttering) I'm not afraid of anyth-

Mick: Thanks, Josef. (hangs up.)

Mick: (dials Beth's phone number instead) Hi Beth!

[Switch to Beth's face instead of Mick's. The cameraman is adjusting the focus of the camera.

Beth: How's it going? Oh, hold on a second. Hey! Cameraguy!

Cameraguy: Yes?

Beth: Why does the camera always go to soft focus on my face? It's like what they do in soap operas!

Cameraguy: You look...ethereal...

Beth: No, I look fuzzy. Stop it.

Cameraguy: Sorry.

Beth: Sorry 'bout that, Mick. What's up.

Mick: Oh, just checking in. You know, I have vowed to protect you as long as you live and stuff, so I figured I should probably keep tabs on you. I tried to have Josef check on you, but he wouldn't.

Beth: Mick, how come Joseph doesn't like me?

Mick: That's...complicated.

Beth: What do you mean?

Mick: He doesn't want the writers to get the idea stuck in their heads that _he _should fall in love with you, too.

Beth: (huffily) Why not?

Mick: He thinks a love quadrangle is unlucky, I think. Plus he said something about when men fall in love with you their IQ drops about 50 points.

Beth: Hmph.

Mick: Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to find a shirt that goes with these wet pants.

Beth: Why are your pants wet?

Mick: Shower scene.

Beth: Ah.

[Scene change to Beth's front door. Joseph knocks hesitantly. Beth answers the door, wearing those full-body pajamas. Y'know, the ones with feet.

Beth: Hello, Joseph.

Joseph: (stares)

Josh, also wearing footy-pajamas, comes to hover protectively near Beth. Perhaps he thought it was Mick at the door.

Joseph: Am I interrupting something?

Beth: Not at all. But what are you doing here?

Joseph: Mick needs us.

Beth: How do you know?

Joseph: Well, it's in the script. (takes out the script again.) Page 46.

Beth: Okay. Let's go.

Joseph: Are you going to change?

Beth: No, why?

Joseph: Um. No reason.

[Scene change to some dark, eerie, deserted place, possibly an abandoned set of warehouses, where Mick and Coraline happen to be walking.

Mick: Are you Coraline?

Coraline: No.

Mick: Are you Coraline?

Coraline: No.

Mick: _Now_ are you Coraline?

Coraline: Argh!

Mick: Wait, do you hear something?

Coraline: (worried) What?

Mick: Something just went..."argh."

Coraline: ARGH!

[Scene change to another random street, possibly the same as the last two ones, except now it's dark out.

Beth: (on cellphone) He's not answering!

Josef: Typical.

Beth: (raises an eyebrow at Josef) So, why don't you want the writers to make you fall in love with me, too?

Josef: Because I don't want to die.

Beth: Pardon?

Josef: It would put me in direct competition with Mick and Josh. Sure, Josh doesn't have any fans, but he'd still somehow beat me in the polls, and women can't get any further past Mick's face to realize that he's just a stubborn little child! They don't want the deeper, successful character; they want the angst-ridden baby with great hair! How am I supposed to compete with his hair?!

[Suddenly, Beth's cell phone beeps. She picks it up, but frowns in disappointment. It's only a text message from Josh.

Beth: Oh my God.

Josef: What?

Beth: He's breaking up with me!

Josef: The script says since you keep leaving him alone, his IQ has started rising again, and he's decided to make a run for it while you're busy.

Beth: Oh my God, I'm single! (she immediately starts checking Josef out.)

Josef: Floosie.

Beth: (sticks her tongue out.)

[Scene change to that same deserted building place

_She kept stealthily dodging my questions, but I'm still sure that she is really Coraline._

Coraline: You know I can hear you, right?

Mick: Are you Coraline?

Coraline: Yes.

Mick: (extremely excited) Really?

Coraline: No.

Mick: (pouts)

Coraline: If I _was _Coraline...oh, nevermind. Oh, Mick?

Mick: Yeah?

Coraline: Have you kissed Beth?

Mick: Yes. I mean...well-

Coraline: You cheated on me with our _daughter_?

Mick: What? Ew!

Coraline: (smacks Mick across the face and runs away)

Mick: Wait! Coraline!

[Random vampire appears out of nowhere

Vampire: Aha! You've found me!

Mick: Who are you?

Vampire: The vampire you're supposed to be looking for. Mass murders. Pollution. (growing exasperated) I've put five couples into therapy.

Mick: Doesn't ring a bell.

Vampire: But it's in the script! (Holds up The Script)

Mick: Is that why Coraline brought me here?

Vampire: Who's Coraline?

Mick: She's in the script!

Vampire: Whatever. (tosses the script away.) Let's just get to the fighting!

Mick: Fine!

[The slow-motion vampire fighting ensues. Mick lunges for the vampire, but he misses and flies into a garbage can. The vampire and Mick continue to exchange blows until finally Mick gets thrown into the wall and loses consciousness, as well as a lot of blood. He falls to the ground. The unnamed vampire stands around aimlessly for a minute, not sure what to do. He shrugs and runs off into the night to break up more marriages.

[After running for nearly 10 minutes straight, neither Josef or Beth has broken into a sweat, and their hair is perfect as they arrive at the scene of the battle.

Mick: Ugh.

Beth: Oh my God! (Kneels next to Mick, holding his hand up to her face as her eyes tear up.) Mick! Mick!

Josef: (Kneels solemnly on the other side of his friend.)

Mick: Beth...

Beth: What is it?

Mick: Beth, I love you-

Beth: Yes!

Mick: -like a daughter.

Beth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Mick: I need blood. (Reaches for her arm.)

Beth: (Yanks her arm away.) Yeah, right! (Stomps off into the shadows.)

Mick: Josef...

Josef: (sighs) Well, I could save you, but then I'd get my clothes all dirty...(his cell phone rings, and he answers it.) Hello. Yes. What? No. No! It is specifically stated in my contract that I will not be ensnared in any love triangles!

Mick: I'm dying...

Josef: Okay, okay. (looks up at the sound of running feet.) Sorry, man. (Josef takes off running.)

Beth: (running after Josef) Wait! You have to fall in love with me!

VV

I love Moonlight.


	2. Bite Me, Too

Bite Me, Too

Avenasoblivion

Bite Me, Too

Disclaimer: I do not own Alex O'Laughlin's hair.

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, and especially to anyone who marked Bite Me as a favorite or-weirder still-put a parody on their alert list (although I do that all the time). Here ya go!

VV

_Last time, on The Young and The Pulseless_...

Beth: You wanted to see me, Mick?

Joseph: Mick needs us.

Beth: Oh my God.

Mick: I'm dying...

_And now, the continuation..._

(Aerial shots of that vampire-infested city way out yonder.)

(Scene opens in Mick's living room. You know, that place that shows absolutely no signs that anyone actually lives there. Yeah, that one. Beth and Josef are there, along with Mick, who is semi-conscious in a big leather recliner.)

Josef: Why am I here?

Beth: Because Mick needs us, Josef.

Josef: (looks at Mick) Man, who've you been drinking?

Beth: Well, I refused to give him my blood, and then you were running from me, so you couldn't feed him, so he ended up crawling around till he found some druggie lying in a ditch.

Josef: Wow. I thought you hated him. Why are you helping him if he shot you down?

Beth: (Looks at screenwriters. Screenwriters shrug.) Um, because our bond is so strong?

Josef: Whatever.

Beth: (growing irritated) Josef Konstantin!

Josef: (looks away) It's Konstan, actually.

Beth: What?

Josef: The writers changed my last name to Konstan! They're trimming letters off my name like points off my I.Q.!

Beth: Well, that's not that bad. I mean, it can't get any worse, right?

Josef: They want to change my name to José!

Beth: (stifling a laugh) What are you, my Latin lover?

Josef: Oh, God! Look what I've been reduced to!

Beth: Whine later. For now, I need you to watch Mick.

Josef: Why me?

Beth: Because I've got to go to work! My webcast is much more important than your multi-million dollar business. What is it you do, anyway?

Josef: I'm not sure.

(Fast-forward through eight hours of Josef sitting on the couch, flipping through magazines.)

Beth: I'm ho-ome! (Looks around) Josef, where's Mick?

Josef: Did you check the shower?

Beth: Oh, right. (She runs up the stairs. A minute later, she's halfway down the stairs again.) He's not in there.

Josef: What about the other shower?

Beth: (hitting her forehead) Oh, right. Silly me. (Runs back up the stairs. Comes back a minute later.) He's not there, either.

Josef: (Still flipping through magazines.) Did you check the third shower?

Beth: Mick has three showers?

Josef: I dunno. But if we keep looking we're bound to find another one.

(Random pictures as time fast-forwards about five minutes. Cut back to Mick's apartment. Josef and Beth are in Mick's office. There is a huge t.v. screen.)

Josef: Don't worry Hon-er-Beth. There's two things Mick will always have: Great hair, and a killer surveillance system.

Beth: Did you almost just call me Honey?

Josef: Don't be ridiculous. Here we are.

_(The screen starts showing a fast-forward recording of what conspired during the eight hours Beth was gone. Midway through, Coraline enters, waves to Josef, who waves back, and tosses Mick over her shoulder and hauls him out of the apartment. Josef continues to read his magazine.)_

Beth: (Dangerously) Josef...

Josef: Oh, you can't blame me for that!

Beth: You waved at her!

Josef: It's your fault! If the stupid screenwriters hadn't done his to me I would have noticed her for sure! I can feel my I.Q. drop whenever you enter the room!

Beth: It's not my fault I'm irresistible.

Josef: ...Must...resist...writer's...influence...

(Scene change to...some unknown place. Coraline is there, along with semi-conscious Mick.)

Coraline: Why did it take so long for this episode to come out?

Stagehand: Writer's strike.

Coraline: Oh, right.

(Mick is starting to come around.)

Coraline: Oh, good, you're awake.

Mick: (still out of it) Do you remember the sixties? (Conks out again.)

Coraline: Um...

(Scene change to Mick's apartment again. Josef is wearing a shock collar.)

Beth: What's with the collar?

Josef: Whenever I feel the writer's influence taking hold, I'll shock myself.

Beth: Are you sure you wanna do that?

Josef: Positive.

Beth: Alright. Now, Let's go find Mick!

Josef: To my skyscraper!

(Cut to Josef's office. The computer geek is also there with them.)

Josef: So, what have you found out?

Computer geek: Well, she's a Libra, she has no one on her buddy list, and she has terrible credit.

Beth: But where is she?

Computer geek: That, I can't tell you. I can tell you that she's compatible with Virgos and Taurus's.

Josef: Hot dog!

Computer geek: Amen, brother!

Beth: Ahem.

Computer geek: Uh, well, do you know of any previous addresses?

(Scene change back to Coraline and Mick. Mick is starting to regain consciousness again.)

Mick: Coraline?

Coraline: Yes, it's me.

Mick: But you're human...

Coraline: Yes, now relax. I'm going to give you this sedative-I mean, the cure. To become mortal again. You know, the mortal cure.

(Scene change to Josef and Beth, walking down a familiar looking road.)

Josef: (zap!)

Beth: What were you thinking about?

Josef: How nice your hair is. Crap. (zap!) You know, I do have limos at my disposal. Why do you insist on walking everywhere? Especially after dark?

Beth: Are you worrying about me?

Josef: Crap. (zap)

Beth: Aw, that's so sweet!

Josef: (zap) It's weird, I keep thinking we should have heard something about some rogue vampire or something by now.

Beth: It's not a Catch The Rogue Vampire episode, it's a Save Mick episode.

Josef: Oh. Have we done one of those yet?

Beth: (shrugs) I don't watch the show.

(Scene change to Mick and Coraline.)

Coraline: (holds up a glass vial filled with yucky-looking brown stuff) Here it is, the cure.

Scriptwriter: Ahem. (runs onto set with a copy of The Script. He whispers something to her, pointing at the script.)

Coraline: Oh. (holds out vial and drops it dramatically. It shatters.) Oh no, we'll have to get more, and it takes so long to make!

Scriptwriter: (thumbs up)

Coraline: Well, Mick, it looks like this will take a bit longer than I thought. What shall we do in the meantime?

Mick: (head lolls)

(Scene change to a close-up of Beth's face, looking annoyed.)

_Having used amazing stealth abilities and a cunning, daring plan, Coraline has managed to steal Mick right out from under our noses. Fortunately, I've hatched a plan to save him-_

Beth: Will you quit that?

Joseph: Sorry, dea-urgh! (zap)

Beth: Where are we going?

Josef: My place.

Beth: Why?

Josef: I have a plan.

Beth: Are you sure? You're not really at your best and brightest...

Josef: grr...

Pierre (AKA the random vampire from chap 1): OY! (Jumps at Josef, knocks him into an alley.)

Beth: Where the heck did he come from?

(Fighting noises and snarls come from the alley. Less than a minute later, Josef emerges, rearranging his hair back to perfection.)

Beth: Aw, I never get to see you fight.

Josef: Maybe next season. To my crib!

(Scene change to Coraline and Mick. Mick is still unconscious. Coraline eyes him, contemplating with an evil gleam in her eye.)

(Scene change to Josef's "crib". Josef and Beth are creeping around the hallway, keeping to the shadows.)

Beth: Why are we sneaking into your house?

Josef: Shh! They'll hear you.

Beth: Who?

Josef: (Gesturing around a corner at a group of freshies, sitting on and around the couch.)

Beth: Um, okay. Sorry.

Josef: Oh, it's alright, darling. Oh, darn. (zap) Ow!

Freshie #1: What was that? Oh my God, it's her! Get her, girls!

Josef: Run! They'll eat you alive! Hurry, in here!

Beth: Was that concern for my safety?

Josef: (zap)

(Two steel doors clang shut behind them. The noise of rabid freshies splatting against the doors is heard as the camera switches to the freshie-proof room.)

Beth: (staring at a display on the wall) Oh my God, I've never seen so many PEZ dispensers!! These are classics!

Josef: Well, where did you _think_ I got all my money from? Ah, here we are! (Holds something up triumphantly.)

Beth: An address book?

Josef: You try memorizing four hundred years worth of addresses and phone numbers, not to mention e-mail, IM, fax, those funny things that tap out Morse Code-

Beth: Can we save this for another time? How do we get out?

Josef: To the Emergency Escape Pod!

(He leads her to what looks like a telephone booth. A lever inside says: Pull In Case Of Rabid Freshie Attack.)

Josef: I knew this would come in handy one day!

(Scene change to an alley. Josef and Beth stumble out, looking rather the worse for wear.)

Beth: The landing needs a bit of work.

Josef: Yeah.

Beth: So, is her address in there?

Josef: (flips through book) Carol...Carolina...Caroline...Coral...Coraline! She has three pages worth.

Beth: (groans)

(Cut to Josef and Beth standing on a doorstep of a funky, glass-walled house. Josef looks at Beth affectionately, apparently having forgotten about the shock collar around his neck during their previous sixty-five stops.)

Josef: This is the last one on the list, honey.

Beth: She better be here.

Josef: Nobody's answering the door.

Beth: This must be the right house! C'mon, Josef, break us in!

Josef: But I'll shatter the whole house!

Beth: For me?

Josef: (sighs resignedly) Hey, the door's open!

Beth: How convenient!

(They enter the house, and Beth starts to look uneasy.)

Beth: Let's check the basement!

Josef: Why?

Beth: Where else would you keep a vampire?

(Scene change to the basement. Little kid furniture looks so neat that it's creepy.)

Beth: Oh my God, this is where I was kept!

Josef: Your parents kept you in the basement?

Beth: No, when I was kidnapped, remember?

Josef: (taps forehead) 50 points, dear.

Beth: Oh, right. (picks up a wooden chair and smashes it against the wall, then holds up a jagged piece of broken wood triumphantly) I always hated that chair! (tosses the "stake" over her shoulder) Okay, time to go find Mick.

Josef: (follows obediently)

(Scene change to the room where Coraline is keeping Mick. The door swings open as Beth and Josef enter.)

Beth: Haha! We've found you. Oh my God, Mick! What happened to your head?

Josef: That hair was before your time. (puts an arm around her to comfort her from the horrific image)

Coraline: It's what made me fall in love with him.

Beth:...o-kay...

Joseph: (smiles at Beth, finding her absolutely charming) You're absolutely charming.

Coraline: Um, Josef, why are you wearing a collar?

Beth: Nevermind that. You can't carry out your plan!

Coraline: Oh yes I can. (takes a new vial out of her pocket)

Beth: Why didn't you just use that three hours ago?

Coraline: (points toward Scriptwriter) He told me so.

Beth: Oh, hey Joe! Long time no see!

Scriptwriter Joe: Yo.

Coraline: You can't take him from me! He's my husband! Besides, this is what he wants...

Beth: Wait! You can't do that!

Coraline: Why? Why shouldn't I turn him into a human?

Beth: Actually, I just meant you can't do it now because he's so doped up already he'd go into a coma. Didn't you notice he was acting strange?

Everyone looks at Mick

Mick: (drools)

Coraline: No, not really.

Josef: She has a point.

Beth: Well, you're free to turn him human, just wait a couple of days, okay?

Coraline: Okay. (pause) Does this mean you forgive me? Do you want to be our daughter again?

Beth: Um, no.

Coraline: You're right, that would be awkward.

Josef: (looking at Beth) Isn't she beautiful?

Coraline: (horrorstricken) Josef, what have they done to you?

Josef: It's José, actually.

Mick: (drools)

NEXT TIME: BITE ME: WITH A VENGEANCE!

VV

Disclaimer con't: I also do not own PEZ, electric shock collars, any part of Alex O'Laughlin other than his hair (which I also don't own), and I am in no way affiliated with the show Moonlight. (If I was, I'm sure they would fire me for this.)

Also: Joe is a fictional character. Any resemblance between him and any real scriptwriters is completely coincidental.

Pierre is mine. I own him. Sad, huh?

Don't do drugs!


	3. Bite Me: With A Vengeance!

Bite Me: With A Vengeance!

Avenasoblivion

A/N-First off, I'd like to thank everyone who put me on their favorite or alert list. That gives me such a warm, fuzzy feeling. I'd particularly like to thank everyone who's reviewed. (One more review, and it'll break my personal record!) You guys are the lifeblood of this parody. Not only did you encourage me, but you served as inspiration in many cases, as well. So, here goes-

ErisFury, dreamweaver013, LoneTread, gurlwriter, Nick-Jz-Girl, p3karen, eilish 10, SelenaAngel, vmarslovahhh18, littlemeg06, 12 Withering Roses, LizThatsRight2, Mrs. Boyscout, Momma M, sweet.serenity.crave, jacedes, HearsTheBells, VanessaGalore, go.suck.on.a.lemon, CaitiffVampiress, moonjat54, redrose7856, supernatfem76, rentemotion, cherry blossom rain, Verity Kindle, Anna St. James, lolita376, elwren75, Lady Pandora, Hannah C. Thaw, and Lauren81492, this one's for you.

A special thanks to 12 Withering Roses, sweet.serenity.crave, jacedes, and moonjat54, for reviewing the first _and _second chapter. You boggle my mind. I swear I'm not as funny as you think I am. Thank you all so much.

Now, On with the show!

Disclaimer: The only things in this trilogy that are mine are Pierre and Scriptwriter Joe. I don't own a freshie escape pod. Even if that would be awesome. I think everyone's house should be equipped with one.

VV

_Last time on All my Freshies..._

Beth: Because Mick needs us, Josef.

Josef: (zap!)

Pierre: OY!

Scriptwriter Joe: Yo.

_And now the conclusion..._

(Scene opens during daytime. Mick, now fully human, is waking up in a huge, comfy bed, stretching in the sunlight. He smiles, joyously happy. Cut to the shower. Mick suds his hair as he sings.)

Mick: (singing) Shot through the heart, and you're to blame! You give love a bad name!

(Mick starts to rinse his hair.)

Mick: I played my part, and you played your game! Darlin', you give love a bad name!

(Carefully edited, parent-approved shots of Mick's hands turning off the water, then grabbing a towel, and finally picking a clean shirt out. Magically, Mick is fully dressed in the next shot.)

(He walks out of his hotel, straight into the bright sunshine, as "Walking on Sunshine" plays in the background. He crosses the street-)

(Just as a bus speeds through a stop sign. Mick is hit by the bus.)

All across the country, millions of female viewers cry out in agony.

(The scene cuts to Mick jerking awake, in bed, in a cold sweat.)

Mick: (wiping sweat from his brow) Whew!

(Cut to the kitchen, where Mick is attempting to make breakfast. He's not quite sure what's what. He looks from the pickles to the peanut butter in confusion.)

_It hadn't been very long since my withdrawal ended and I could get back to my dream of being human again. I was, however, finding it a little overwhelming._

(Mick shrugs, tossing a pickle and some spoonfuls of peanut butter into what might be a bowl of batter. Coraline walks down the stairs, wearing Mick's shirt, just as Beth bursts through the door.)

Beth: Am I interrupting?

Coraline: No.

Beth: Are you sure? I thought I heard Mick monologue-ing.

(Coraline raises an eyebrow at Mick.)

Mick: (flustered) I don't do that anymore!

Beth: Okay, I was wondering if I could speak to Mick.

Coraline: Sure. (walking past her toward the door) She didn't stab me this time.

Mick: When did Beth stab you?

(Coraline, still in Mick's shirt, walks out the door.)

Beth: Where's she going?

Mick: (shrugs) Who knows? So, whatcha need?

Beth: I think Josef's cheating on me.

Mick: Impossible.

Beth: Aw, thanks.

Mick: At the rate his IQ is dropping, I don't think he's anywhere near smart enough to.

Beth: (glares)

Mick: (holds up bowl of batter) Want a pancake?

(Opening credits! Yay! A lot of night shots of the big city are shown. One of the producer's family on vacation is accidentally thrown in. Whoops. Cut back to Mick's apartment, where it's still daytime.)

Mick: Pancake? They're home-made.

Beth: Erm, no thanks. I forgot I have to go...away...from your food. Bye!

Mick: (looks at pancakes, sighs) Guess I'll go find Coraline...

(Scene cut to Beth, walking down the street. Man, she _does_ walk a lot. She has her trusty i-phone out)

Beth: Hey, Josef, it's me. I was just wondering where you've been. I haven't seen you for at least twenty minutes. Well, call me when you get the message. Love you. Bye.

(Scene cut to Josef, cowering in a corner, hugging a pillow, and staring in horror at his phone.)

(Scene cut to ...Pierre? The camera lingers on him for a moment. Pierre stares at the camera, looking confused.)

(Scene cut to...a dark alley. Mick is pulling Coraline out of the alley.)

Mick: I'm so glad I found you! What were you doing in that dark alley?

Coraline: Look, I got us coffee! (holds up coffee)

Mick: I love you.

(All of a sudden, Coraline's brother appears!)

Brother: Coraline! What are you doing in the United States? And _what_ are you _wearing_?

Mick: (moving to protect his precious Coraline from the intruder) She's with me-

(Brother effortlessly picks human Mick up, walks him to the bus stop, and bestows him in a bus seat. As the bus pulls away, Brother leaps back to the alley like a rabbit.)

Mick: (voice fading with distance) Coraline! Wait for me!

Brother: Father would be so ashamed. This calls for...

Coraline: (eyes light up)

Both: A MAKEOVER!

(Scene cut back to Josef, cowering. We can now see that he's in his Freshie-proof room. He's on the phone.)

Josef: Please, come back to me! You have to save me from her! Have pity!

Phone: bzz bzbz bzz...

Josef: No, she has no idea I've been calling you-

Phone: bzbzbz bzz...

Josef: Wait! Don't hang up! Don't leave me!

Phone: click.

(Out of nowhere, Beth appears.)

Beth: Who was that?

Josef: (jumps up, holding his pillow out defensively) N-no one! How'd you get in here?

Beth: Who is she, Josef?

Josef: She? What she? There is no she! No one but you, honey! (backs slowly away)

Beth: I'm serious, Josef. Who is the hussy?

Josef: No one! (jumps into the freshie escape pod) Sayonara!

Beth: Darnit!

(Scene cut to Mick's apartment. Mick is sitting on the couch, looking dejected. Josef bursts through the door.)

Josef: Mick, you've got to help me!

Mick: (sniffle) Go away!

Josef: Whoa, what happened?

Mick: She's gone! Gone, gone! Back to that other country!

Josef: France?

Mick: I don't know! I never bothered finding out where she came from!

Josef: There's no time for that now! I need a favor. I need you to hide me from Beth.

Mick: Impossible, she's like a bloodhound! She can smell fear!

Josef: Just hide me!

Mick: Alright. Quick, get in the shower! She'll never look there!

Josef: Why not?

Mick: I'm not in it. And the water will wash away your fear-scent!

(Josef runs up the stairs. Moments later, Beth bursts through the door)

Beth: I know he's here! I can smell his fear.

Mick: (hangs head dejectedly)

Beth: What's wrong?

Mick: She's gone, gone, gone. All gone.

Beth: Oh. If that's all. I've got more proof! (hands Mick phone records)

Mick: How'd you get Josef's phone records?

Beth: We're on the family plan. I can add you on if you like.

Mick: Hmm...all the same number...

Beth: (nods)

Mick: It would appear...that Josef keeps calling the same number repeatedly!

Beth: (smacks forehead)

Mick: But what could it mean...?

Beth: You're useless when you go through Coraline withdrawal.

Mick: Then why don't you ask someone who's not mourning for help?

Beth: You're the only P.I. in this city that doesn't have a restraining order out on me.

Mick: Ah.

(Scene change to the mall. Coraline models outfit after outfit, her brother critiquing each one in French.)

(Scene change to Mick's shower. Josef is cowering, slightly soggy, in the corner, fiddling with his phone.)

Josef: Pick up. Pick up. Oh, hello, it's me again-

Phone: BZZ BZBZ BZZ!

Josef: Seriously, you have to save me! Please! Hello?

(Sparks fly from Josef's phone. The water has gottten into it and made it fry. Josef curses and throws it against the wall. It rebounds and flies into the toilet.)

Josef: Darnit!

(Scene change to the mall. Coraline and Brother continue to shop, all the while speaking rapidly in French.)

(Scene change to Mick's living room yet again. Seems to be getting some use nowadays. Now that he's "living." Oh, nevermind.)

Josef: Is it safe now?

Mick: Yes, after a few minutes she lost track of your fear-scent. She figured you jumped out the window and decided to head you off down the street.

(From the stairway the mournful echoing of a ringing phone is heard, bouncing off of the toilet bowl and bathroom walls.)

Mick: That's weird...

(Scene change to the mall.)

Brother: _Something rapid in French._

Coraline: _Something equally rapid in French._

Pierre: Sorry, I don't speak French.

(Scene change to Beth's apartment. Cleverly, Josef has come to the conclusion that the last place Beth would look for him is in her own home. With him is Pierre.)

Josef: Wow, you got here fast. I thought you were at the mall.

Pierre: (shrugs, looks at scriptwriters)

Scriptwriters: (shrug, motion for them to "just go with it")

Josef: I've got a job for you. (He picks up a frame from the coffee table that contains his picture. He takes the back out, and out slides a picture of Josh.) I need you to find this man, and break up his relationship.

Pierre: You want me to break them up. So he'll come back.

Josef: Yeah.

Pierre: (snickers)

Josef: Not for me! For Beth! Beth!

Pierre: _Sure_.

Josef: What's that supposed to mean?

Pierre: You're hiding his picture.

Josef: Beth put it there! There's a picture of Mick, too! She's a very fickle woman!

Pierre: (suddenly serious) Aren't they all? Alright, Brother. I will help you! (Bounds out of the room.)

Josef: (stares blankly)

(Scene change to Mick. His hair is once again in the infamous comb-over. He stands out on the balcony.)

Mick: Coraline, I've fixed my hair! Come back to me!

(Scene change to the food court in the mall. Coraline and Brother are sipping cappuccinos.)

Brother: _Something even more rapid in French._

Coraline: _Something that, if slowed down using computer technology, might turn out to be very rapid French._

Brother: (nods)

(They laugh.)

(Scene change to Pierre, sitting outside some poor couple's window, slurping a huge slushie. Voices inside the house get louder as the couple starts to yell at each other. Finally, a door slams.)

Pierre: Well, my work here is done. Oops, almost forgot. (tosses slushie cup over his shoulder)

(It lands in the hedges.)

Pierre: _Now_ my work here is done.

(Pierre disappears silently into the night. Before tripping over a garbage can, making a cat screech and hiss, and getting bitten by said cat. Then he disappears, grumbling, into the night.)

(Scene cut to Mick's apartment. Mick is lying on the couch, sucking his thumb. Josef bursts through the door.)

Josef: You should really get those locks checked. Mick, what's wrong?

Mick: Gone, gone, gone...gone, gone, gone...

Josef: Not that again!

(Beth bursts into the apartment)

Beth: Aha! I knew I'd find you, Josef!

Josef: (cowers)

Mick: Gone, gone, gone...gone, gone...

Beth: Not that again!

Mick: Gone, gone, gone...

(Coraline and Brother enter from the kitchen.)

Beth: There's no door over there.

Coraline: (shrugs) We were drinking cappuccinos earlier and the scriptwriters didn't say anything...

Scriptwriters: What! (start searching through a pile of tapes)

Mick: Coraline! (jumps up from the couch to stand between her and her brother) You'll never take my Coraline away!

Brother: (stares blankly) Sister, what is he talking about?

Coraline: Oh, he's just overprotective. Don't worry about it.

(Josh bursts through the door)

Josh: Beth, take me back!

Josef: Thank God...

Brother: Well, I must be leaving now.

Beth: (staring at Brother) You're sure you're not going to conveniently remove Coraline so Mick and I can progress in our relationship?

Brother: Well, I suppose I can if you want...

(Mick and Beth look at each other)

Mick: Nah.

Beth: No thanks, I've already got someone.

Josh: No! Not him!

Josef: Ah! (Throws himself at Brother's feet) Save me! Take me with you!

Brother: Do you like cappuccinos?

Josef: No...

Brother: Sorry. It's a no-go.

Beth: Ahem. I was talking about Josh.

Josh: Score!

Josef: Phew! (pulls the shock collar out of his pocket and hands it to Josh) Here you go.

Josh: Thanks. (fastens the collar around his neck) (zap!)

Coraline: Mick, let's go get some cappuccinos!

Mick: Anything you say! (They leave.)

Josef: I need a vacation. (He jumps out the window.)

Beth: Come on, Josh. You have to get more cases for me to steal.

Josh: Yes, dear! (They leave.)

(Brother is left alone in the living room)

Brother: (Shrugs) Americans... (He takes a sip of the cappuccino he's been holding the entire time before walking off the set, not even bothering to use the door.)

Brother: See ya later, Joe.

Scriptwriter Joe: (waves) Yo.

Director: That's a wrap!

BITE ME

VV


End file.
